dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
