we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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