Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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