If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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