that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
