oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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