So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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