i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
