My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize