So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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