Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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