I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
