If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
whose parrot is this?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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