I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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