Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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