I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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