I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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