Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
