My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
