I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize