You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
