FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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