i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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