i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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