Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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