Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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