It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
