why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
