Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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