I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
