i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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