Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
