I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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