Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
