Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
