apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
