I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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