just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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