i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
