Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
