I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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