am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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