bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
