I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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