i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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