i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
