God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
