i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
