I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
