The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
