i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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