He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
