The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
