Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
