thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize