I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
