Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
