You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
