Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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