I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
