wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
