At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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