so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
