We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
