i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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