do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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