if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
