I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
